Ep 12: The Secret to Feedback that Turns Conflict into Connection

Giving difficult feedback—whether at work or at home—can feel like emotional Jenga: one wrong move and the whole relationship could collapse. But I promise it doesn't have to be that dramatic!

In this episode, I share my powerful, trauma-informed Empowered Feedback Method which helps you give feedback in a way that honors your truth and also the relationship, whether it's with a colleague, a customer, a partner, or a close friend.  

By the end of this episode, you’ll learn:

• How to deliver feedback in a way that strengthens relationships instead of creating tension.
• Three simple steps you can use to give difficult feedback with clarity, compassion, and care.
• How to calm your nervous system so your feedback comes across as intentional, not reactive.
• Why clarity of intention is key for staying authentic in emotional conversations.
• How to communicate honestly and effectively, even when the conversation feels tough.

You'll also hear a deeply personal story about my experience with giving feedback to a nurse during an emotionally charged moment when my late husband entered hospice care. This powerful story illustrates how effective feedback can create connection—even in the most challenging circumstances.

This episode is perfect for Millennial and Gen X listeners who want to give feedback with clarity, confidence, and care—whether you’re managing a team, parenting a teen, or navigating tough conversations in your relationships.

✨ RESOURCE: The Empowered Feedback Toolkit 

00:00 Introduction: The Challenge of Giving Feedback

01:16 The Importance of Empowering Feedback

02:19 A Personal Story: Doug's Hospice Experience

11:57 The Empowered Feedback Method: Step-by-Step

17:41 Practical Application and Toolkit

18:07 Conclusion and Next Episode Preview

TRANSCRIPT The Secret to Feedback that Turns Conflict into Connection

Ep 12: The Secret to Feedback that Turns Conflict into Connection

[00:00:00] How often do you bite your tongue in a meeting because telling your boss you disagree with them feels like career suicide? Do you wish you could tell your friend that the sarcasm they think is funny is actually hurting your feelings?

Giving difficult feedback at work or at home can feel like playing emotional Jenga. One wrong move and the whole relationship crashes. But I promise it does not have to be that dramatic!

I'm Dr. Annie Campanile, trauma survivor and professional coach, and in this episode of Heal Your Trauma, Find your Voice, I'm revealing my Empowered Feedback Method. Three simple steps that will help you deliver difficult feedback without sacrificing your inner peace or sabotaging your relationships. Let's dive in.  [00:01:00]

Welcome back to episode 12. Today we're talking about something that many of us struggle with. How to give difficult feedback in a way that actually strengthens our relationships, rather than damaging them. If you're a parent of teens or a leader in your job, you know how challenging this can be.

You might have no trouble making decisions or giving direction in stressful moments, but when it's time to give difficult feedback, especially to someone you care about, your confidence turns to confusion. Your words might come out sharper than you intended. Or you might be so vague and indirect that the other person doesn't even realize they're getting feedback.

And it's not just you. More than 65% of managers say that they are uncomfortable giving feedback, and in personal relationships it's even more common. But here's the truth, [00:02:00] feedback, even feedback that's difficult for the person to hear, can be empowering.

When we prepare ourselves for authentic connection and communicate clearly, difficult feedback can help the other person to grow because they feel safe to acknowledge what isn't working and to try something new.

I practiced this during one of the most emotionally charged moments of my life - while standing next to my late husband, Doug, when he entered hospice care. I'm going to share the story with you because it's an incredibly powerful example of how we can empower ourselves to give feedback in the most difficult moments.

Here's a little background about Doug. He and I both worked for the same health system. And at the time, his coworkers in the IT department called him the happiness guy because he was easy to be around. His caregivers always enjoyed when he was coming because he was really focused on helping to try to make their jobs [00:03:00] easier, even though he was really suffering and in a lot of pain from cancer.

We had him at home in hospice care for about a month. And we were both so grateful that the hospice care team could come and help me to help him while keeping him at home. But eventually it became impossible for me to keep him safe and to take care of him at home.

So we decided it was time to go into the Hospice house. Now, because we both worked for this health system, and my job was coaching and educating the leaders, I knew most people in that hospital and I had great expectations for what would happen when we got to the hospice house. But unfortunately, the night that Doug was transferred was just sort of like this combination of whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

He had tumors in his hip area that were very painful, especially when he had to sit upright, and to get him out of the house the ambulance crew had [00:04:00] to sit him up in a chair that they could then maneuver down the stairs to get him out of the house. 

So, when he left the house, he was really hurting physically. And he was also grieving the fact that we both knew this was very close to the end of our time together.

Now on my side, I was grieving. I was overwhelmed. I was following the ambulance and feeling so distressed that every possible red light that could happen did happen.

And I knew Doug was suffering in that ambulance just waiting to get to the hospital bed. So by the time we got to the hospice house, Doug's nerves were frayed. He was managing his emotions really well. But then it seemed like nobody knew we were coming. It was around eight o'clock at night, so the day shift was gone.

There were no leaders on shift at that time who I knew, and so we found ourselves in a room, a lovely room, but he was in a wheelchair, and [00:05:00] I was standing next to him with my left hand on his right shoulder, trying to keep us both calm. At first, there was no one in the room with us and we really weren't sure what to do.

But eventually a nurse came to talk with us and I thought I remembered seeing her in a, a recent class of new graduate nurses. So I knew she was at the beginning of her career and she seemed very nervous. She really wanted to help, but the way she tried to help was by quickly telling Doug what she could do. She tried to tell him about different beds that she could get or different rooms that they had available, and Doug and I both were just not able to take that in.

We were feeling the experience of our emotional grief, of his physical pain and of us feeling like people really weren't expecting us and didn't really care about us. Now, [00:06:00] logically I knew that wasn't true because I knew the people who worked in that hospice. But in that moment, the way it felt was that nobody was really seeing us.

And at one point, while she was trying to explain, trying to connect from an intellectual level and explain the options, Doug, the happiness guy, just started sobbing and he said, “I just wanna be treated like a human.”

I had never heard him say anything like that before and I knew that how I responded in that moment would make a big difference in how this nurse handled it herself. I wanted to support Doug. I wanted to support the nurse, and I needed to support myself.

So I took a deep breath. I consciously felt my feet on the floor. I paid [00:07:00] attention to the physical sensation of my hand on Doug's shoulder, and I just kept breathing and listening to the nurse, but I honestly wasn't listening so much to her words as I was watching her body language. And I was trying to find out what could I say to - with very few words - help her understand why Doug is not hearing her and what he needs.

And this is what came out of my mouth: “Speak to his heart.” I got her attention. I looked her in the eye. And as calmly and lovingly really as I could, I just kept saying that. “Talk to his heart. Listen to his heart. Speak to his heart.” I had to say it [00:08:00] several times and she did listen to me, but it was like she didn't know what that meant yet, and I could not say anything more.

I was too overwhelmed. So I just had to trust that by keeping myself very connected to my body and very clear about my intention, which was not to correct her or make her think she's doing something wrong, my intention was to help her quickly understand how she could shift in order to communicate effectively with Doug.

So again, I said, “Talk to his heart.” And after three or four repetitions of that, she looked at me and her breath kind of caught in her throat and she said, “I can't.” And I understood that to mean that she didn't know how to manage her own emotions sitting with a man who was only [00:09:00] 51 years old with a wife who clearly loved him so much. And we both were crying.

It's a lot to handle, especially when you're a new nurse. But I knew that's what was necessary and I had to just believe that she could figure it out. So when she said “I can't,” I just looked at her. I gave her as compassionate a smile as I could, and I said, “Just talk to his heart.”

And she took a moment. She looked away, she took a deep breath, she looked Doug in the eyes and she said, “I'm so sorry.” It felt like she was saying in those three words, “I'm so sorry.” She was saying to him, “I see you. I am so sorry you're going through this. I'm so sorry you're gonna lose your life. Your wife is gonna lose [00:10:00] her husband. I'm so sorry that no one was here to greet you.”

All of those possible meanings came through because of how sincere she was, and she finally opened her heart. When Doug felt that from her and heard those words from her, he took a breath. His tears calmed. I could feel his body calming and he was able then to hear her. We then were able to shift.

I don't even remember if he said anything, but just non-verbally he was able to convey, “Okay, I receive that. I feel seen, and now I can hear you and we can talk about the practical details of what it means for me to be here and what's gonna happen next.”

After that, it took about 10 minutes maybe for her to get someone to help her [00:11:00] transition Doug from the wheelchair into a bed. They found a recliner for me. The first one was broken. They got a new one. It all seemed to flow very easily after that, and within about 30 minutes, Doug was very settled and we were able to shift from our grief around what this transition meant to our appreciation of what was in that room and how warm the setting was, and how cared for he now felt.

So what I've learned, both in my own healing journey and in 25 years as a leadership educator and professional coach, is that giving effective feedback isn't about having the right script or saying lots of detailed words. It's about calming your nervous system, clarifying your intention, and communicating with honesty and care.

Those are the three steps to what I call my [00:12:00] Empowered Feedback Method. I'm happy to walk you through those steps right now, and I also have an extra resource because I know this is not easy. It is simple, and you'll see the three simple steps, but it's not easy.

So I'll share with you later a resource that I've created to help you walk through these steps in detail. The Empowered Feedback Method will help you give feedback in a way that honors your truth and also the relationship, whether it's with a colleague, a customer, a partner, or a close friend.

Let's walk through each step together. Step one is Connect to Your Body. If you've listened to any of my other episodes, you have a clear idea of what this means. But it absolutely bears repeating. So here's how I do it. Take a breath. It can be helpful - just like I just did - it can be helpful to let out a sigh, an audible sigh that actually activates your Vagus nerve, which helps everything [00:13:00] calm down.

So even if it feels a little odd, if you're in your car right now, try that with me. Take a nice deep breath and let it out with sound. Ah hmm. Feels good.

After taking that deep breath, pay attention to any of your five senses. You could feel your feet on the floor, notice the temperature in the room, or you could try clenching your fists and then releasing your fists.

Simply noticing the information coming from any of your five senses will create that brief pause that helps the nervous system to settle down, and it helps us to shift out of survival mode so we can communicate more clearly.

If you skip this step and dive straight into giving feedback while you're tense, your words will often come out harsher than intended, or you might minimize your concerns to avoid conflict.

Either way, the conversation is unlikely to [00:14:00] strengthen the relationship. The whole time I was standing next to Doug trying to figure out what to say to his nurse, I was paying close attention to my breath, the feeling of my hand on Doug's shoulder, and my feet on the floor. I was so present in that moment that I can remember those sensations right now as if it happened yesterday.

Step two is to clarify your intention. So once you're grounded, once you've shifted a little bit even, out of that survival mode, you can ask yourself, “What's my goal here? What's most important to me in this moment?”

Be honest with yourself, because if your goal in that moment is to vent, to punish that person or to prove a point, you're still in survival mode. And if you speak from that place, the other person is very likely to go into survival mode themselves. So that's okay. That's information. If that happens, just pause, take a little more time to connect to your body, and [00:15:00] wait.

Then you might be able to ask yourself, “What's my goal here?” And get some clarity that perhaps it's to make the person aware of something that they seem to be overlooking, or to support the other person's growth, or to clear up a misunderstanding. When you're clear about what your intention is, you can share that with the other person or just keep it in the front of your mind during the conversation.

That's what I did when I was talking to Doug's nurse in the hospice house. In that moment, I was so overwhelmed with grief and worry that I really couldn't explain my intention to the nurse. However, by keeping my body very calm, holding the nurse's eye contact, and speaking slowly and clearly, I was able to communicate my intention of helping her connect with Doug even without words.

This is a good example of when our intention is clear and compassionate, it creates a foundation that allows the other person to truly hear our message, and that's why [00:16:00] step number three is to communicate clearly.

With your nervous system calm and your intention clear, communicating clearly becomes so much easier. Here's what I recommend: Be honest. Say what's true for you, without exaggerating or minimizing. Use as few words as necessary, because sometimes the most powerful feedback is the most concise. When I was with Doug in his hospice room, remember I just used four words “Talk to his heart.”

I just kept repeating those four words until the nurse finally heard me and changed the way she was talking to Doug. If you keep it simple and focus on what matters most to you in the moment, this will help the other person to understand you and not get overwhelmed with too much detail.

After you've spoken, pause, give the other person time to [00:17:00] think about what you've said and then to respond.

So once again, the three steps of the Empowered Feedback Method are Connect with your body, Clarify your intention, and Communicate clearly. I want to be clear that giving feedback this way takes practice. It might feel awkward or uncomfortable at first, especially if you're used to either avoiding difficult conversations or approaching them from a place of frustration.

That's okay. Like any new skill, it will get easier with time. The beauty of this approach is that even when the conversation doesn't go perfectly, the fact that you've shown up with authenticity and care creates an opportunity for deeper connection. When we are willing to be vulnerable and honest about our own experience, while remaining open to the other person's perspective, we create the conditions for genuine understanding.

Maybe you're navigating conflict with a client, a partner who keeps crossing a boundary, or a [00:18:00] team member whose actions are impacting the group. The Empowered Feedback Method will help you state your truth without bulldozing the other person or abandoning yourself. As I said earlier, this episode inspired me to make my Empowered Feedback toolkit available.

So far, it's only been shared in health systems across the country for about the last 18 years, but I really wanted to make it available to you because it's a practical step-by-step guide with key phrases and prompts that will help you walk through each of the three steps that you learned today, so you can approach difficult conversations with clarity, confidence, and care.

You'll find a link in today's show notes to learn more about the toolkit, or you can find it at anniecampanile.com.

I want to encourage you to try the Empowered Feedback Method this week in a real conversation. Choose a situation where you've been holding back from giving feedback, and then follow the three steps. Connect to your body, [00:19:00] clarify your intention, and communicate clearly.

If this episode resonated with you, please scroll down, click those five stars and share it with a friend.

Next week, I'll be joined by my wonderful client, Ally, a medical provider who will share how a simple 90 Second Reset transformed the way she shows up in hard conversations. If you want to say what really matters without saying something you'll regret, you'll wanna tune in.

Until then, I'm Dr. Annie Campanile reminding you that healing is possible and you don't have to do it alone. See you next week.